Right. Well, those are roughly the same chances that she's developed feelings for you. Men and women may be wired differently, but not so differently that the laws of emotional physics no longer apply.

Since the first step in fixing a problem is to know what the problem is, please realize her desperate calls don't mean she's desperate for you.

Now put yourself in her place. Women who indulge their "very bad" needs are, in general, denied the nudge-and-wink, dirty-boy treatment. Dirty girls are slutty, disposable, used.

This isn't a men-are-pigs rant, it's just an "is"; society judges women more harshly. Some women are fine with that, some aren't, some think they are but find out the hard way they aren't. Sounds like you called a girl from Group 3.

One way people try to alleviate regret is with the respectability of a relationship: He still wants me, so he didn't use me, so I'm not trash, the theory goes. And that explains the unhinged calling better than rapid-onset love.

So, what now? Whether I'm right or wrong here, you owe her more than the voice-mail void. (Just as you owed her complete honesty when you initially called her for sex, a standard to which I'm guessing you "basically" fell short.) Call her. Apologize for not being clear enough about your motives -- even if you were. Say you thought she wanted casual sex, too, because you never thought she had feelings for you; truth and humility make a fine pair.

Ideally, she'll feel better admitting she used you, too. Less ideally, she'll get the truth from you, with a gentle (but clear) request to stop calling. Either beats what she has now.

Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 ortellme@washpost.comand join Carolyn's live discussion at noon Fridays athttp://www.washingtonpost.com/liveonline.

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